Healing from Childhood Trauma: A Guide for Adult Children of ADDICTION AND DYSFUNCTION
Growing up with an alcoholic parent means living in an emotional warzone long before you know what to call it. The chaos, the inconsistency, the neglect—kids in these environments don’t have the language for any of it. They just absorb it. They learn to stay small, stay quiet, stay useful. They become the emotional anchor in a home that should have anchored them.
Those patterns don’t magically disappear when childhood ends. ACoAs often carry adulthood like a second childhood—full of fear, hypervigilance, self-doubt, and coping strategies built for survival, not connection. People-pleasing, perfectionism, approval-seeking, and control aren’t personality quirks; they’re adaptations.
Being an ACoA means growing up shaped by addiction—and learning, as an adult, how to slowly unwind the patterns that once protected you.
Lessons from Al-Anon: The Three C’s
Many family members of alcoholics first learn about boundaries through Al-Anon. One of the most freeing teachings is the Three C’s:
These ideas help adults let go of responsibility they were never meant to carry. But most children never hear these words until decades later. By then, the weight of “fixing the family” has already hardened into identity.
That’s where ACA comes in.
ACA: Healing the Inner Child
ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is built specifically for people who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional households. It offers a space to identify the wounds, name the patterns, and begin healing the younger parts that were left to fend for themselves.
How Childhood Trauma Shows Up Later
ACA describes a set of predictable traits many ACoAs share. Some of the most common include:
Feeling out of place or unsafe around others
Interpreting feedback as a personal attack
Being drawn to partners who are chaotic, addicted, or unavailable
Prioritizing others’ needs over their own
Clinging to relationships out of fear of abandonment
Confusing love with caretaking or rescuing
These traits—known as The Laundry List, first identified by Tony A. in 1978—still describe the emotional landscape of ACoAs with startling accuracy.
The Path Forward: Reparenting the Inner Child
Healing for ACoAs centers around two inner parts:
The Inner Child – the part that holds the fear, sadness, and unmet needs.
The Inner Parent – the part that can offer the reassurance, structure, and care that were missing.
ACA teaches people to:
Name and honor old wounds without shame
Release survival strategies that no longer serve them
Develop genuine self-compassion
Understand addiction as a disease—not a personal betrayal
Build internal safety instead of outsourcing it
This work doesn’t erase the past, but it transforms its grip.
A Vision of Hope
Recovery for ACoAs isn’t about rewriting childhood. It’s about reclaiming adulthood.
Over time, many ACoAs learn to:
Grieve what they didn’t receive
Take responsibility for their own well-being
Build relationships based on trust rather than fear
Offer themselves the love and steadiness they spent years giving everyone else
Healing is possible. And you don’t have to do it in isolation.
To learn more or find an ACA meeting near you, visit adultchildren.org.
