got a broken ‘picker’? The Psychology of Attraction and Attachment
Some who know me best have joked that I have a “broken picker.”
My therapist friend Ashley and I used to watch guys at the gym while we worked out — the ones with the neck tattoos, muscles, confidence, a few questionable life choices, and some chaos. We’d laugh and say, “I can fix him,” or worse, “He’s the one.” We knew better, yet something in that volatility still pulled attention like standing too close to the edge — equal parts thrill and warning.
Eventually, I realized my picker wasn’t broken — it was patterned. I was drawn to what felt familiar, not necessarily what was good for me. Once I started sitting with the parts of me I’d avoided — the ones that confused activation with connection — everything changed.
The Evolutionary Backdrop: What Biology Wants
Darwin’s theory of sexual selection explains that attraction isn’t random — it’s wired. Some traits help us survive; others help us attract mates.
From an evolutionary standpoint:
Men tend to be drawn to cues of fertility and health — youth, symmetry, vitality.
Women often prioritize safety and stability — competence, drive, emotional reliability, and the ability to invest long-term.
These preferences aren’t shallow. They evolved from millennia of survival. But today, they’re layered with psychology and attachment — the stories we tell ourselves about love and safety.
Attachment: Biology Meets Experience
Our earliest bonds shape the template for how we connect.
Secure attachment grows from consistent, responsive care — we learn that closeness is safe.
Anxious attachment forms when care is inconsistent — we chase reassurance, fearing loss.
Avoidant attachment emerges when closeness feels overwhelming — we regulate by pulling away.
When our nervous system meets someone familiar — someone who mirrors those early patterns — it feels magnetic. That’s why anxious and avoidant types so often find each other: one pursues, the other retreats. It’s a dance that feels like chemistry but is really the nervous system replaying what it knows.
Regulation and the Pull of Familiar Energy
Attraction is, in part, about how someone’s body impacts yours. Their tone, breathing, and gaze can signal safety — or danger — to your nervous system before your mind catches up.
We call it a “spark,” but what we’re really feeling is arousal in the biological sense: the body waking up to something charged and familiar. Sometimes that’s healthy regulation. Sometimes it’s old survival energy dressed up as excitement.
In my work with clients, I often see that people confuse familiar activation with emotional connection. Real intimacy can feel calm, even dull, to a body used to chaos. The work is learning to tolerate the peace that healthy love brings.
Projection: The Brain’s Shortcut to Safety
Our brains love shortcuts. We project old stories onto new people because it helps us predict what’s coming next.
We see strength in those who remind us of the caregivers we couldn’t please. We see danger in people who mirror our own vulnerability. Or we see “the one” in someone who triggers the same ache we’ve always been trying to heal.
Projection isn’t pathology — it’s self-protection. But awareness breaks the loop. When we can name what we’re replaying, we stop mistaking recognition for fate.
Status, Value, and the Evolutionary Mind
Dr. David Buss’s research shows that “mate value” — our perceived desirability — drives much of human attraction and competition. Status, ambition, and confidence once meant better access to survival resources.
Today, emotional intelligence, humor, and consistency carry equal weight. They signal safety, not dominance. But that ancient tracking system is still online. When one partner’s perceived value shifts — a job loss, promotion, or major life change — the relationship equilibrium changes, too. Jealousy, power struggles, or insecurity often follow, not from malice, but from the body’s instinct to preserve stability in its attachment system.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term Attraction
Short-term and long-term attraction run on different systems.
Short-term: novelty, dopamine, excitement.
Long-term: oxytocin, trust, co-regulation.
Early-stage love feels electric because of novelty. Long-term love feels grounded because of safety. Many couples misread that shift — assuming comfort means complacency — when it’s actually the nervous system finally exhaling.
In therapy, this is often the moment when people grieve the loss of the “high” — those dopamine spikes that come from unpredictability and emotional volatility. (I wrote more about this in The Near Miss, an article about intermittent reinforcement and why uncertainty can feel addictive.)
The spark isn’t gone; it’s simply matured into something steadier — connection without chaos.
When Drives Collide: Biology vs. Attachment
Evolution shaped our attraction triggers. Attachment shaped our expectations. Those two don’t always align.
A woman may crave emotional connection but feel drawn to confidence and dominance — traits tied to evolutionary strength but not always relational safety. A man may want depth and trust yet be pulled toward novelty and youth — cues that once signaled fertility.
Without reflection, we act out both scripts — the primal drive and the attachment wound. With awareness, we can choose connection that aligns with who we’re becoming, not who our nervous system remembers.
Jealousy, Fear, and Control
Jealousy is an ancient alarm system. In evolutionary terms, it protected pair bonds. But in modern relationships, it often points to attachment insecurity, not real threat.
Anxious partners fear abandonment; avoidant partners fear control. Both are trying to regulate proximity and safety. In therapy, I often reframe jealousy as information: it’s the body saying, “I don’t feel secure right now.” What matters is how we respond — with curiosity instead of control.
The Dark Tetrad and the Pull of Chaos
Some people draw us in precisely because of their intensity.
Traits like narcissism, manipulation, lack of empathy, and cruelty — what psychologists call the Dark Tetrad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism) — can masquerade as confidence. That intensity feels intoxicating to nervous systems wired for inconsistency.
It’s why people mistake volatility for passion. The adrenaline rush feels like connection. But when regulation finally replaces chaos, the nervous system learns something profound: calm can feel safe, not boring.
Honesty, Self-Assessment, and Growth
We all bring projections, instincts, and old attachment patterns into relationships. The question isn’t whether we have them — it’s whether we know when they’re driving.
True growth starts when we ask, “What part of me is choosing this person?” The adult self that values safety, or the younger self trying to rewrite an old story?
As we heal, our “picker” doesn’t just get fixed — it gets updated. The same traits that once triggered longing begin to trigger caution. And the calm we used to overlook starts to feel magnetic.
From Evolution to Intention
Evolution explains why we’re wired the way we are. Attachment explains how we learned to love. But intention — conscious, regulated presence — determines what we do with both.
We can’t override our biology, but we can partner with it. When we learn to regulate our bodies, name our projections, and choose relationships that reinforce safety, attraction transforms from compulsion into choice.
Healing doesn’t mean losing passion; it means finding passion that doesn’t cost you peace.
