Why People Stay Stuck: What Recovery Circles Often Miss
Most people think of “being stuck” as a lack of motivation, discipline, or willpower. But if you sit with enough clients, or spend enough time in recovery circles, you realize most stuckness has nothing to do with laziness — it’s about long-standing emotional patterns that no one ever taught them how to understand, name, or work through.
And while peer-led programs save lives and create essential community, there are blind spots in those circles that keep a lot of people spinning the same wheels for decades. This isn’t anti-recovery. It’s pro-recovery, with a fuller picture.
This is a look at why people stay stuck, why some recovery language backfires, and what actually helps people move forward.
Addiction Is a Disease — But That’s Not the Whole Story
Addiction absolutely has a medical foundation. It rewires the reward system, weakens decision-making circuits, and hijacks the brain’s survival instincts.
But if you stop there, you miss the deeper truth:
addiction is also an adaptation.
People reach for substances because they solve a problem:
numb pain
create connection
offer clarity
generate relief
fill an internal void
quiet a chaotic nervous system
Nobody uses because they want their life to implode. They use because it works — until it doesn’t.
Recovery begins when you understand not just the disease, but the function the substance served.
Why “You Are the Problem” Misses the Point
A lot of recovery culture teaches people some version of this:
“You’re the problem.”
“Your thinking is the problem.”
“Your emotions can’t be trusted.”
“Self-pity is a defect.”
“Resentment is poison - you must remove it”
It sounds Stoic and empowering, but in practice it teaches people to abandon themselves all over again.
Strong emotions are not a defect — they are warning lights.
It tells you something inside needs attention, not punishment.
What gets labeled as “defects” often turns out to be:
grief
fear
loneliness
overwhelm
shame
unmet childhood needs
nervous-system dysregulation
Many people I’ve worked with were “diagnosed” in a quick 15-minute psychiatry visit that they have bipolar disorder, when what they’re actually dealing with is rapid emotional swings from years of dysregulation — not the weeks- to months-long mood episodes required for a true bipolar diagnosis. And when recovery circles teach people to push past or ignore those internal signals, it reinforces the same self-disconnection that made them vulnerable to addiction in the first place.
Peer Support Is Essential — But It’s Not the Full Story
Connection keeps people alive. Peer-led recovery provides that beautifully. You meet people who get it. You feel understood for the first time in years. That matters.
But connection to others is not the same as connection to yourself.
And if you’ve spent any time in early recovery rooms, you know how imperfect they can be:
someone loudly slurping coffee while you’re trying to share
the person who rattles a chip bag like they’re trying to summon a demon
the guy with the prolonged uncomfortable eye contact that makes you feel like you should leave
the guy coughing COVID into the atmosphere without covering his mouth
cross-talk in your direction telling you why your perspective is wrong
someone dismissing everything I just wrote as “all ego”
It’s real connection — but it’s also chaotic, distracting, and sometimes shaming.
Programs often emphasize connection with the group, but not reconnection with:
your body
your emotions
your values
your boundaries
your relationships
your parts (in the IFS sense)
your sense of meaning
Those are the things that actually stabilize long-term recovery.
Peer-led programs are powerful. They’re just not the whole picture.
Why People Stay Stuck: Emotional Disconnection Starts in Childhood
Childhood trauma isn’t always about dramatic events.
Often it’s:
not being soothed
not being understood
not being emotionally reflected
not being seen
having to perform or behave to stay attached
having to silence your inner world to keep the peace
Kids protect the attachment by sacrificing parts of themselves.
Adults then cope with substances because they’re trying to feel or not feel what they never learned to hold.
People stay stuck when they’ve been trained their whole life to ignore their inner signals.
Turning this into a search for “the nature of your wrongs” isn’t always the most helpful approach.
Addiction Has a Purpose — Until the Cost Outweighs the Relief
People don’t use because they’re weak. They use because the substance does something:
helps them feel something
helps them feel nothing
helps them feel safe
helps them feel confident
helps them feel connected
helps them feel regulated
At some point, the cost becomes too heavy — relationships, health, dignity, opportunities, self-respect.
But here’s the subtle truth:
people can be grateful for what recovery gave them without being grateful for the addiction itself.
I’ve heard people in peer-led recovery say “I’m so grateful that I’m an alcoholic.”
You don’t need to love addictive wiring to appreciate that the suffering forced you into growth. There’s a middle ground.
Why Some People With 20+ Years Sober Still Feel Empty
Because the emotional work was skipped.
Because they were told:
“Your feelings will lie to you.”
“Just turn it over.”
“Your ego is not your amigo.”
“Your best thinking got you here.”
“Quit playing God.”
Over time, those messages can translate to: your inner world is the enemy. When you say that to someone who grew up emotionally neglected, they don’t find freedom — they lose themselves.
This is why decades later, you still see:
poor boundaries
people-pleasing
rage
emotional avoidance
chronic loneliness
compulsive helping
perfectionism
self-neglect disguised as humility
The alcohol left.
The pattern stayed.
IFS and the Parts That Never Got to Speak
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is helpful because it makes room for the truth:
We don’t have “one self.”
We have parts:
the protector
the avoider
the wounded child
the critic
the achiever
the numb-at-all-costs part
the revenger
the one who just wants peace
Addiction is often a firefighter part — trying to put out internal fires instantly (ever seen what a house looks like after the the firefighters are finished??)
Recovery begins when those parts are welcomed, not shoved into exile.
Not everything needs to be surrendered. Some things need to be integrated.
Higher Power: Useful for Some, Harmful for Others
For a lot of people, a Higher Power is grounding, orienting, and deeply supportive. It’s a critical part of MY recovery.
But it needs to fit the person:
Some find a spiritual Higher Power
Some find purpose
Some find community
Some find clarity in values
Some find strength in their future self
A Higher Power shouldn’t be a demand. It should be an option — one of many ways to find direction when your internal compass is spinning. While I don’t have any problem using the word God, for many this doesn’t land and they never come back or get well. In a 12-step model, practicing radical acceptance is a form of “turning it over” (HP language not required).
Why Naples Integrated Recovery Exists
Integrated recovery means exactly that — integration.
Not “just disease.”
Not “just trauma.”
Not “just spirituality.”
Not “just meetings.”
Not “just therapy.”
Not “just willpower.”
It’s all of it.
My business name wasn’t chosen to sound holistic and woo-woo. It’s because:
addiction affects the whole person
recovery requires the whole person
lasting change comes from a layered approach
trauma, nervous-system healing, self-agency, parts work, boundaries, meaning, grief, and community all matter
Most people don’t need more slogans.
They need a relationship with themselves.
The “Quick Forgetter” and Why Repetition Matters
People in early recovery forget fast — not because they’re careless, but because the nervous system is still recalibrating. Emotional memory fades quickly. Stress hijacks perspective.
This is why:
meetings help
structure helps
therapy helps
routine helps
repetition helps
slowing down helps
Consistency repairs the internal systems that addiction disrupted.
The Bottom Line
People stay stuck when they’re taught to ignore themselves.
They heal when they learn to come home to themselves.
Recovery circles are powerful — community saves lives.
But the missing piece is often this:
Connection won’t hold if it never reaches inward.
You can stop drinking and still be disconnected.
You can be years sober and still be stuck.
You can attend meetings daily and still feel empty.
Healing doesn’t come from “crushing the ego” or rejecting your emotions.
It comes from building a relationship with the parts of yourself you had to abandon to survive.
When that happens — recovery becomes more than abstinence.
It becomes transformation.
