Control Freak? Why We Chase External Security and What It Really Costs Us
Most of us spend a lot of energy scanning for something outside of ourselves to make us feel safe—someone’s reassurance, a partner’s consistency, a certain tone in a text, a predictable routine, anything that calms the internal noise. It’s understandable. When you grow up without predictable care, you learn early that security lives “out there,” not inside you.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
The security we’re hunting externally is something we actually have to build internally.
And until we recognize that, we stay locked in cycles of obsession, anxiety, and fear.
Where This Fear Actually Starts
For a lot of people, the root of the anxiety goes back to childhood—years of unpredictability, inconsistency, or emotional neglect. When you’re a kid, you don’t have power. You can’t regulate your environment. You learn to compensate instead:
hypervigilance
people-pleasing
indecision
scanning for danger
trying to control outcomes
attaching to anything that feels stable
Those strategies helped you survive then.
But now they show up in your adult relationships, your work, and even basic decision-making.
Your nervous system still thinks it’s protecting you.
But the reality is: you’re not powerless anymore, even if your body remembers otherwise.
Relationships: Where Old Patterns Get Loud
This pattern screams the loudest in romantic relationships.
When someone pulls back even slightly—gets quiet, stressed, distracted, overwhelmed—it doesn’t just feel like distance. It feels like abandonment. The body treats it as danger.
The mind starts spinning:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Are they pulling away?”
“How do I fix this?”
“What can I change about myself so they don’t leave?”
You replay conversations, overanalyze tone, dissect silence like it’s a crime scene.
The irony?
The more you try to fix the situation, the more anxious and disconnected you become.
This isn’t because you’re “too much.”
It’s because your nervous system learned a long time ago that closeness equals survival.
Control: The Biggest Illusion We Fall For
The hardest part to accept is this:
Control doesn’t protect us. It drains us.
You can’t control:
someone’s feelings
their timeline
their emotional capacity
their stress level
their communication style
their wounds
their choices
the outcome of the relationship
The tighter you grip, the more you lose your center.
And the more the relationship suffers.
Real security doesn’t come from controlling someone.
It comes from regulating yourself.
Internal Security: What It Actually Means
Internal security isn’t about being fearless or never getting triggered.
It’s about being able to steady yourself when the fear shows up.
It’s the shift from:
“I need them to calm my anxiety,”
to“I know how to calm myself, even when I’m scared.”
It’s the ability to hold onto yourself when the relationship feels uncertain.
It’s choosing grounded responses over panic-driven reactions.
It’s saying:
“Even if I don’t know what’s happening, I can still take care of myself.”
That’s internal security.
And it’s built, not inherited.
Awareness: The Turning Point
The work isn’t to erase your history.
It’s to stop letting your history drive every emotional reaction you have now.
Awareness sounds simple, but it’s actually the beginning of everything:
noticing when you’re spiraling
naming the trigger
separating the present from the past
reminding yourself you’re not powerless anymore
responding instead of reacting
It’s not self-blame.
It’s self-ownership.
You stop asking,
“What do I do to make them stay?”
and start asking,
“How do I support myself right now?”
That shift is the entire game.
Balancing External Support and Internal Stability
We’re wired for connection.
We absolutely need other people.
But we don’t need them to rescue us from our inner world.
When all of your security depends on someone else:
every conflict feels catastrophic
every silence feels threatening
every shift in tone feels personal
every distance feels like abandonment
every unmet need feels like rejection
Even the healthiest partner can’t meet the weight of that.
No one can.
External connection is important.
But internal stability is essential.
The combination is where actual safety lives.
Shifting From the Outside In
We’re conditioned to believe:
the right relationship will fix us
the right job will stabilize us
the right circumstances will calm us
the right person will heal us
But all of that is backwards.
Security isn’t something you chase.
It’s something you build.
True confidence — the real kind, not the performative version — is the quiet belief that:
“Whatever happens, I can handle myself.”
That belief changes everything:
your reactions, your relationships, your choices, your patterns.
This Is a Lifelong Practice
You’re not going to “master” this.
You’re not going to stop being human.
You’re not going to erase fear or stop caring about relationships.
Internal security is a practice, not a personality trait.
It’s learning to catch yourself earlier.
It’s building tolerance for uncertainty.
It’s trusting your ability to survive a feeling.
It’s becoming the person your younger self needed.
And most importantly:
It’s refusing to give your power away to other people’s behavior.
Self-Reflection Questions
What early experiences shaped my need for control, reassurance, or external validation?
When I feel insecure in a relationship, what old patterns show up?
How much of my anxiety is about the present — and how much is about the past?
What grounding practices help me regulate when uncertainty hits?
What would it look like to support myself instead of chasing reassurance?
How can I begin building trust in myself, not in outcomes?
