The Stoics on Forgiving and releasing a grudge
Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher known for his gruff, no-nonsense teaching style, rarely comes across as gentle. He pushed his students hard, often sarcastically, sometimes even abrasively, insisting they live with philosophical integrity and moral courage. But in Discourses Book 1, Chapter 18, titled That We Should Not Be Angry With Those That Fall Into Error, we see something different — a tender Stoicism that is empathetic, forgiving, and nonjudgmental.
In this post, we’ll walk through the logic of Epictetus’ argument, explore how he supports it with examples, and consider how this guidance might help us think differently about the people in our lives who have wronged us.
Holding a High Standard Without Holding a Grudge
Before diving into the argument itself, it's important to understand the tone of this chapter. Yes, Epictetus expects a lot from his students, but he also urges them not to be angry with people who fall short — including selfish, rude, and even malicious individuals. He challenges his students not to let their peace be disturbed by those who have lost their way.
This raises a timeless question: How should we respond to people who hurt us, break our trust, or treat us unfairly?
The Argument in Seven Steps
Epictetus lays out a subtle but radical chain of reasoning. While he doesn’t number these steps himself, we can organize them this way for clarity:
1. People Always Do What They Think Is Right
Everyone acts based on what they believe is good. Even those who behave terribly — liars, cheaters, betrayers — are, in that moment, doing what they think is best. Their choices may be deeply flawed, but subjectively, they’re trying to achieve their version of the good.
“They have gone astray in matters of good and evil. Are we then to be angry with them or to pity them?”
2. Being a Bad Person Is Objectively a Bad Thing
Stoicism distinguishes between subjective perception and objective reality. While people may think they are doing well, in truth, some ways of living are objectively better than others. To live badly — to lack virtue — is not just unfortunate; it’s the worst kind of suffering.
3. Bad People Are Mistaken About the Good Life
If someone believes that lying or cheating is a good way to live, they’re not just immoral — they’re wrong. They’ve misunderstood what makes life meaningful. This isn’t a matter of opinion for Stoics; it’s an error in reasoning.
4. To Be Mistaken Is to Be Harmed
Epictetus then flips the script: the liar and the cheater aren’t just harming others — they’re harming themselves. They are deprived of the most valuable thing a human can possess: sound moral judgment.
“The most valuable thing in each man is a right moral choice. When anyone is deprived just this thing, how can one still be angry with him?”
5. We Should Pity Those Who Harm Themselves
Most people don't want to live badly. They aren't aiming for misery. They simply don’t know better. And those who destroy their own integrity out of confusion are deserving of our pity — not our anger.
6. They Harm Themselves Out of Ignorance
The root of wrongdoing is not malevolence but ignorance. People don’t set out to ruin their lives; they simply don’t understand how to live well. This error, too, is its own punishment.
7. Therefore, We Should Pity Bad People
The final conclusion: because bad people are confused and inflict harm on themselves, we should pity them instead of becoming angry or vengeful.
Shouldn’t We Punish the Wicked?
Epictetus’ students push back. What about justice? Shouldn’t robbers and thieves be punished?
His reply is razor-sharp:
“What you are saying comes to the same as saying, ought not this blind or that deaf man be put to death?”
The comparison is jarring. Blindness or deafness in ancient Rome were serious handicaps. But Epictetus’ point is that moral blindness is just as disabling — and just as undeserving of hatred. The thief, in his view, is already suffering from the worst affliction: the loss of good judgment.
A Shift in Perspective: From Victimhood to Compassion
It’s common to view ourselves as victims when someone wrongs us. Epictetus challenges this mindset. He says: look at the person who wronged you — not as someone to be revenged, but as someone already suffering.
“They have to live with being themselves.”
Think about someone in your life who betrayed your trust or treated you unfairly. Epictetus doesn’t tell you to pretend their actions were good. He doesn’t say you should let them back into your life. But he does say: their confusion is punishment enough.
The Example of the Stolen Lamp
Epictetus gives us a small but powerful story:
“Now I had an iron lamp burning before my household goods, and hearing a noise at the window the other day, I ran downstairs to find that my lamp had been stolen. I thought to myself that the man who took it had been moved by a perfectly intelligible feeling. What of it?”
Why does Epictetus let it go so easily? Because he realizes that both he and the thief were driven by the same emotion: desire. Epictetus liked the lamp; so did the thief. The only difference was in character. One chose to buy the lamp; the other chose to steal it.
And even Epictetus admits: I only feel harmed because I desired something external. The real harm lies not in losing the lamp, but in valuing the lamp too much.
A Powerful Counterpoint: What About the Successful Wicked?
At this point, you might object — what about the bad people who seem to win? The cheaters who get rich? The liars who get elected? Aren’t they proof that the universe is unjust?
Epictetus addresses this in Fragment 13:
“The man who blames providence because the wicked are not punished but are strong and rich is doing much the same as if when they had lost their eyes, he said they had not been punished because their nails were sound.”
This is vintage Stoic reasoning. You're looking at the wrong metrics, he says. Money, fame, power — these are like fingernails. What really matters is virtue. And bad people have already lost it. The successful wicked are still suffering — just not in ways you can always see.
Final Thoughts: A Stoic Framework for Forgiveness
Epictetus doesn’t tell us to forget the harm others do. He doesn't even say we have to forgive them in the traditional sense. What he offers is something different: a way to stop letting their confusion harm us more than it already has.
By seeing wrongdoers not as villains but as lost and mistaken, we can move from resentment to compassion — from obsession with their punishment to peace in ourselves.
This doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Boundaries still matter. But it might mean you stop carrying the anger, because it’s no longer yours to hold.
A Stoic Practice
As an exercise: bring to mind someone who has wronged you. Consider the idea that they acted out of confusion, not clarity. Consider that their bad character is punishment enough. Then ask:
Do I need to stay angry with them?
You might find — as Epictetus did — that the answer is no.
